WANTED: COMPUTER HACKERS

Well - can I just say it once more for the last time. As the commissioner of this league, I miss the old TQ site. Yes, CBS Sportsline is probably better as an owner, with all the bells and
whistles it offers for looking up stuff. But for the commish, it just plain sucks. It's like the guys who cooked up the site said - just how much of a pain in the ass can we make this thing, especially when they have to set up the teams at the beginning of the season. I don't think you could even fathom the countless number of hours I wasted trying to get all the rosters set for the season.
Now I'm pretty handy with the old computer but it made me wish I had some serious computer hacking skills. If I possessed such skills I'd bust in and fix it so it be a little easier. So it got me to thinking - if I could hire anybody I wanted to be the official league computer hacker/expert to fix the site - who would it be.
Thus brings us to our first of many TOP 5 LISTS. So, here's my official ...

TOP 5 COMPUTER HACKERS I'D HIRE



HONORABLE MENTION:
UNNAMED HACKER - "OXFORD BLUES"

Played by Chad Lowe (who went on to bigger things like marrying Hilliary Swank, getting seen on camera crying when she won the Oscar and then was promptly left out of her acceptance speech), this guy was so badass he didn't get a name - just computer hacker. When Nick De Angelo (played by real life brother Rob Lowe) wanted to get into Oxford to pursue Lady Victoria Wingate, he turns to this guy. With a few keystrokes, he changes Nick's grades giving him the goods to get into the prestigious University. He even offers to make him top of the class, but Nick says "just make me 3rd...I don't want it to be too fishy.


Pros: Nick never came off like any kind Rocket Scientist. I mean it seemed like despite the fact he was attending an ivy league university, all he did was start some shit, drink beer and kick ass on the crew team. The fact that nobody even blinked an eye that this pretty boy dumb ass got into this school means this guy must do some really good work.

Cons: He was only in one scene in the movie. Not really much of a body of work to look at

Final Grad: B-





(5) HUDSON - "ALIENS"

Along with his turn as Wyatt's a-hole brother Chet in "Weird Science", it's the role that catapulted Bill Paxton into movie geek history. Remembered more for the classic lines like "Game Over Man" and 'Well why do you put her in charge", what most people forget is how kick ass Hudson was at hacking into computer system with nothing more than a military issued PDA and a few clip on miniature jumper cables.

Pros: Talk about a guy that can keep his mind on his work when he wants too. I mean all hell is breaking loose around him and this dude is opening electronic doors that are sealed with one hand and firing his pulse rifle with the other. If I ever wanted to hack CBS and blow up some shit, he's my man.

Cons: Well, despite that glowing review he does have a few negatives.
(a) When the chips are down, this is a guy who really lets you hear about it. I mean he's a total whiner. Enough that Ripley had to tell him that she had enough of his bullshit
(b) Despite being able to read schematics better than anybody, he kind of overlooked a major point when he ignored the ducts above them when fortifying their defenses. Which leads us to
(c) He bought it in the movie. But I'm not holding against him. I mean they had hardly any ammo left, the Aliens we some bad muthafuckas and they were outnumbered like 750 to 1. Plus, he sacrified himself so Ripley, Hicks and Newt could get out.

Final Grade: B


(4) PETEY - "CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER"

Not the biggest role of Greg Germann's career (this dude got to make out with Lucy Liu for a few seasons on "Ally McBeal") but in my eyes, it's his most memorable. When Jack Ryan (Han Solo/Indiana Jones himself Harrison Ford) needs to break into Ritter's (the always brilliant Henry Czerny) computer in hopes of finding out what the hell Operation: Reciprocity is all about, he calls on Petey. The CIA's young computer expert had already cracked Harden's computer password in less than 5 minutes using combination of Birthday months, years and dates of everybody in his family.

Pros: Let me set something straight. When I mentioned he hacked Ritter's computer, I kind of understated what was going on here.
(a) Jack was able to read every every single file while Ritter was just a room over deleting files
(b) We're not talking some dimestore PC here. Ritter was the Deputy Director of Intelligence for the Fuckin' CIA. That's some serious hacking.

Cons: Well, much like Hudson, he forgets a pretty big detail, neglecting to tell Jack that he should wait until Ritter is logged off to start fishing around, or he'll get busted. That's exactly what happens causing Ryan to use the lame distraction line "So...do you play Tennis". Not to mention, Petey seems waaaaaaay to into writing the new program to begin with. Total Geek. But hey, that's what we need.

Final Grade: B+


(3) LUTHER STICKWELL -
"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE I, II, & III"

He may have just started off as guy getting paid to help Tom Cruise's Ethan Hunt when he was desperate, but Luther (Ving Rhames) ends up becoming Hunt's closest and most trusted ally.

Pros: Throughout the series we see him decode the CIA's NOC list, hack the CIA's mainframe to set off the fire alarms, keep Max from downloading the NOC list - which keeps the identities of all the agents safe, constantly shutting off security systems of places they sneak into, creating those awesome mask and programing the voice chips that allow Ethan to become whomever he needs to, decoding Lindey's miocrodot sent to Ethan despite how old the tech is and proving he's a video game champ by simuletaneously handling the controls of 4 robotic heavy machine guns. Not to mention he pumps off a few rounds with a shotgun from a helicopter during the 2nd movie.

Cons: Well by the time MI: III rolls around, he's more into regular field work than sitting behind a laptop so he could be rusty. Plus, he was a disavowed agent at the beginning of the 1st movie for hacking into NATO's communication system. Can we trust him? I think this exchange from the 3rd film sums it up best.

Ethan: Thanks for coming.
Luther: It's my Job

That's good enough in my book!

Grade: A-






(2) DAVID LIGHTMAN - "WARGAMES"

It's every teenagers fantasy. Try to get a look at the hotest video games from the Protovision company and "Poof" you accidentally start World War III. Hey I don't care lax the security was back in the early 80's. If you can hack your way into the National Defense System, you gotta come in and interview for this position.

Pros: Besides almost making our entire nation grow a bright shade of orange and green, David (played by Ferris himself Mathtew Broderick) pulls off some serious computer espionage despite having to deal with Modems that actually require a big rotary phone connected to them and floppy discs the size of manhole covers. He gets detention just so he can get the password so he can hack into the school's computer and change his and Jennifer's (Ally Sheedy) grades so they don't go to summer school, hacks a pay-phone to make a long distance call when he has no money and uses a pair of scissors, some cables and a tape recorder to unlock a electronic door so he can escape the NORAD underground military installation. Not to mention the fact that, despite a shitty high school education, he's the only one in room full of PHD's and Army Generals smart to figure out that the only way to save the country is to tell Joshua to play Tic-Tac-Toe

Cons: Did I mention that this son of a bitch almost caused World War III? That's the kind of thing that follows you around on a job interview.

HR Representative: So ... David ... why did you leave your last place of employment?

David: Well.. see... I accidentally almost started World War III

HR Representative: (Pauses) .... ummm... (forces smile) We'll keep you on file.

(Security tosses him from the building)

In the end he did save the day, bringing us peace and happiness so he's got that going for him. Plus, despite wearing pleated pants and badly striped Izod shirts, he manages to hook up with Ally Sheedy. That before she lost her spunky 80's cuteness and became somebody you might see at hanging out and smoking too much at the seedy bar of a local bowling alley in Mastic Beach on a Tuesday night. So, despite all these setbacks, Lightman is the man.

Grade: A







(1) R2D2 - "STAR WARS TRILOGY & PREQUELS"

Okay - let me set the record straight. Chewbacca is one tough muthafucka. Lando Calrissian is the smoothest mutha this side of Cloud City. Han Solo is the coolest pimp daddy in the galaxy. And though he starts of a bit whiny bitch, by the time "Return of the Jedi" rolls around, Luke Skywalker is one bad ass mutha you do not want to mess with (just look at him the wrong way and you'll end up with a lightsaber up your ass). That said, and no disrespect to all my fictional heroes, but R2 is the fuckin' man. All he needs is an electrical socket and the little dude can do just about anything.

Pros: Sit down and watch any of the Star Wars movies and you'll come to one conclusion. Mostly by flashing some serious hacking skills, R2 basically saves the day in every movie. Want a quick list? He stops the trash compactor from making everybody "all a lot thinner", he opens the door so they can escape Cloud City while telling an exhaust vent to give them some cover, he fixes the Millenium Falcon's Hyperdrive in 3 seconds (after everybody spent weeks trying figure out what the fuck was wrong earlier in the movie), he saves Padme from getting 8 gallons of Lava dumped on her, and fixes the Queens ship while out on the hull as their in space when making a gettaway just to name a few. Not to mention the times he didn't hack a computer to save their dumb asses like smuggling Luke's lightsaber into Jabba's Palace like a drug mule or taking one for the team by sticking his big round dome up to take a shot in the head so Luke could blow up the Death Star. And all the while, he's got that pain in the ass C3PO yapping in his ear. Is there no end to his madskills?

Cons: Cons? There are no cons. I mean if you're nitpicking the only bad thing you bring up from his body of work is one scene in "Return of the Jedi". He doesn't get the bunker door open, making Han Solo resort to the goofy "Hey I'll put a helmet on and trick them to open the door" plan. Now is this failure due to laziness or an inability to hack the computer? No...he gets shot! Taken down Stormtrooper Gangasta Style in what could be classified as an intergalactic drive-by shooting. And personally...I'm laying the blame on Han. The guy was using my main man as a shield. You know what.... R2 has no faults. He's the man.

Grade: A+





So R2 - how about you come work for us? We offer no money, no benefits and the hours suck. What do you say buddy?